ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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