That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
