You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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