Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
