Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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