I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
pray to the hookup gods
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
