Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
