6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
