And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
