if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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