Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
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Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
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I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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