I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
