Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
