Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
