I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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