I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
