hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
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I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
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Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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