my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I've blown a few things in my day
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
