never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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