Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
