You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
