Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
