I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
