You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
