I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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