Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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