I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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