I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
