All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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