hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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