what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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