I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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