my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
