Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
