i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
