I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
