his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
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All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
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Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother