Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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