Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
