I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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