Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
