Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
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You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
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He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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