Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
