Need sex. Gaining weight.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
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