my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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