i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
