You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
