The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We have started to decorate penises.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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