Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
