Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
