I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
How's work?
Spinning.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
