Apparently you make a good broom.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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