put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
