i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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