You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Randomize
