The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
