he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
