Swine flu. Run for my life!
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Randomize
