3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
In America we eat man semen.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
