i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
