I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
